No, You Have No Idea.

There are many things that I put off writing about. Often because I simply don’t want to face them. Because they require remembering certain moments and feelings. And well, they’re often not pretty. One of those things is this. This list of how it feels like.

How it feels like to be in this disposition and how it feels to be a totally different person from who I used to be.

You have no idea how it feels like. You have no idea how it feels like when the same person who showed you your passion, that one thing you’ve been looking for for so long, is the same person who would break you.

You have no idea how hard it is to not let go of that passion all together when all it reminds me is those moments you made me realize how much I loved it. How you made me believe in myself because I was actually good at it even if I’m not exactly the best.

You have no idea how difficult it is to fight for it when you were always the one who told me to. You don’t know how frustrating it is to finally realize that passion, yet you can’t talk to the person who made you see it. You don’t know how short-lived the joy is when others appreciate it yet you don’t even see my work. I don’t do it for you, I do it because I love it. But it would have been so much more meaningful to be able to share it to you.

You don’t know how it feels like to see a better version of you disappear. You don’t know how it feels like to be the weakling that I am now. You don’t know how hard it is to put up a strong front all the time.

You don’t know how what it feels like to want to be okay every single day. You don’t know how it is to feel like there’s a limitation to your happiness, because you took that away from me.

You don’t know how it hurts to hide and cry because I can’t afford to let my friends see me cry anymore. Because I saw how hurt they were, how helpless they felt that no amount of comforting they could give would let my sobbing stop.

You don’t know what it feels like to not be able to pick yourself up in the morning because your heart just refuses to go to class.

You don’t know how hard it is to watch a version of myself slip away and there’s nothing I could do to keep her.

You don’t know how difficult it is to let go of the one thing I have fought for so hard in my entire life – you.

You don’t know how hard it is to just watch you leave while you don’t even notice how much it hurts.

You don’t know how hard it is to be mad at you when I can still feel so much.

You don’t know how hard it is to want to make the tears stop, but they just won’t.

You don’t know how hard it is to wake up in the middle of the night, at 2am or 3am or 4am because I’m not at peace.

You don’t know how painful it is to want to escape it all through sleeping but even sleeping eludes me.

You don’t know how hard it is that when I do get sleep, I cry myself to it. And waking up is yet even the hardest part.

You don’t know how hard it is to fake it till I make it.

You don’t know how hard it is to decide how my day would be, when it should just come naturally.

You don’t know how hard it is to want you to feel this way too even just a little because it seems to be the only way for you to understand.

You don’t know how difficult it is to actually seek out for counseling because I can’t do it on my own anymore.

You have no idea how it feels to be built up only to be torn down.

You have no idea how it feels like to question the God I believe in and somehow never get answers.

You don’t know how difficult it is to wonder if I’m permanently damaged or if the pain will ever stop and if it will when it would.

You don’t know how hard it is to be scared to go to places because I might bump into you.

You don’t know how hard it is to give up something I’ve been doing for years because somehow I know it’s the only way for me to forget.

You don’t know how difficult it is to want to forget and remember at the same time.

You don’t know how scary it is to not know what to do in the future because I don’t want to live in a place where you could be in too.

You don’t know how painful it is to know you’re perfectly fine and happy while I’m still running in circles chasing my own freedom.

You don’t know how excruciating it is when I have ran out of actual tears yet my heart continues to cry.

You don’t know how hard it is to want to go away, so far away just to start all over.

You don’t know how painful it is to be faithful only to be cheated on.

You don’t know how painful it is to give your whole heart only to be shoved back incomplete and in pieces.

You don’t know how painful it is to feel like you’re incapable of loving already, of believing.

No you don’t know. You have no idea!

- S