Let it Go.

There are many aspects in my life that I should well be able to do already. Questions that I should be able to answer already, plans that I should have laid out already and well, certain emotions that I shouldn’t have anymore.

And so it bothers me.

Every time someone asks me what my plans are after graduation I shudder at the thought that my planned future as of the moment is up until three days after graduation. After that, I have absolutely no idea. I don’t even know if I want to work or study. And if I do figure which one I want, there’s always the next question, what kind of work or what to study. And I can’t answer them. So as much as how exciting graduating from college can be, it’s twice as scary.

Then there’s the proverbial question everyone asks you or complicated happenings in life, or even when the lonely times you had.So you feel obliged to give the so-called correct answer and nod your head yes. After this, everybody thinks you’re fine and dandy. So everyone wonders why you suddenly barge into your usual hangout place and start crying uncontrollably. Or when you have a sudden craving for vanilla ice cream. And some (only some, because most can understand), find it ridiculous and weak of you. And so you ask yourself if you are hopelessly permanently damaged and then shudder at the thought of it.

All that, happened to me, and if I will be truly honest, are happening to me. Then I read Paolo Coelho’s ‘On Rhythm and the Road’. When a pilgrim named Begoña said the following about her own pilgrimage:

“I’ve noticed that most pilgrims, whether on the Road to Santiago or on any of life’s paths, always try to follow the rhythm set by others. At the start of my pilgrimage, I tried to keep up with my group, but I got tired. I was demanding too much of my body. I was tense all the time and ended up straining the tendons in my left foot. I couldn’t walk for two days after that, and realized that I would only reach Santiago if I followed my own rhythm. I took longer than the others to get there, and for long stretches I often had to walk alone; but it was only by respecting my own rhythm that I managed to complete my own journey. Ever since then, I have applied this to everything I do in life: I follow my own rhythm.”

So, it stopped bothering me.

Sometimes we focus so much on what should be and how things should be that we forget what and how things actually are. We don’t see how things really are for us.It’s important to see things as they are for you because the more you force yourself to be somewhere you aren’t, the more you won’t reach it. True, the pace set by others may be the ideal. But most of the time what’s ideal isn’t always the best for you. A speedy recovery doesn’t always mean complete healing. Most of the time it’s only skin deep and when it comes to healing, to making decisions and to moving on, what is real and true is what matters.

It’s true when they say, fake it ‘till you make it. But you should never lose sight of what you’re faking and what you are actually making.

- S