I’m not sure what’s wrong. Everything, in all its glory is fine. But I feel all twisty, and sad, and then happy. And then I feel sad all over again.
I need to clear my head. My thoughts are all muddled up right now.
I have always said that I’m not an angry person. I don’t see the world for the bad in it but for the so many good things that it has to offer. This is why I never got mad at you before. This is why I forgave you for something that so many people wouldn’t even dare try to get over. I forgave you. But you never forgave yourself. And so you were able to do the almost impossible – I am now mad at you. Because the heart can only bear so much pain. And because with a broken heart your walls can only go down but so low.
I didn’t get mad at you when you cheated on me. On us. When you just keep that as your deepest secret and let me walk in the campus without knowing it, walking without my head with me, throwing away something, in your own words, different – good different. I forgave you because you told me that there are gradients of infidelity. Even if I knew that no matter what, infidelity is still infidelity. I forgave you even though I believe that infidelity may be a mutual sin but fidelity is a personal choice. Because we all make bad choices and certain circumstances can make us do stupid things with irreversible damages. I forgave you because you were only human. And as human beings we all have our weaknesses and our own limitations. I forgave you because I had faith in you and knew that you were so much more than what you did. I forgave you because I love you.
I didn’t get mad at you when you kept on pulling the strings between us. When you kept on coming in and out of my life just as you pleased. When every single time you walked away, you left me broken all over again. When all the progress I made just came shattering down the floor. When all the recovery that I’ve worked so hard on for days and weeks all fell apart with just a three minute phone call from you or a text message that took you seconds to type and send. I didn’t get mad at you for keeping me on your hook. I didn’t get mad because I knew that letting you in was my choice too. I didn’t get mad because I knew that somehow even just a little you were as lost as I was. I didn’t get mad because I love you.
I didn’t get mad before because at one point or another things had to happen the way they did. But when that night happened when you confessed that secret had to put my foot down and draw a line. Because I always knew that when it comes to love nothing is ever certain, that everything is a risk and we take it at our own expense. So infidelity, confusion, pain and all that happened between us can be inevitable. But I always knew that when it comes to being human, its either you choose to be one or not. No matter what.
I was so hurt that I got angry at how painful it was. I was so hurt that I got mad at how easy it was for you to say the things that you said. And most especially say it the way you did. I always knew that people are capable of making others feel the way you made me feel but it’s just a matter of whether or not people would. And you did.
I got so hurt that the only other emotion left to feel was anger..
But despite of all the pain and hurts I'm into now, I have nothing to do with it. I love you, and I can do my very best to move on and forget things that may lead us like a broken glass.
And because its true when they say that time heals all wounds no matter how deep and big, I woke up one day with the eyes of a child again.
** You see children easily forgive. They easily forget that their playmate pushed them at the playground. They forgive that playmate who took their teddy away from them. And so children laugh and live a carefree life.
Walk that mile until the end starts.
- S
Sometimes
Becoming a lady is what most female teenagers are looking forward to. Debut marks the days of independence for those wanting to live all by themselves or another chapter of their lives to savor the things they just used to reminisce in their younger years. This is a special day worth remembering and a sign of welcoming the celebrant to adulthood.
Last December 26th 2010, I just had my birthday Debut Celebration. Within a weeks we tried to get things cleared of where and how we’ll make it. Of course with the help my Elder Sisters Venus & Shane and my Mother. Since they didn’t experienced having a debut the time they turned into a lady, I can’t blame myself wondering and thinking How would they set this big event or shall I say a traditional event we used to have when a girl turns at age eighteen.
When my mother told me that there is one organizer to help us to organize my Debut, well, I can’t imagine my face how big smile that was.
She contributed A LOT. All by herself going to our house, giving us her idealistic and very unique ideas that I didn’t hear ever since from some organizers- makes my week preparation special and yes, EVERYTIME I SEE HER, deciding and whatsoever about my debut, I can breathe deeply and remind myself “I do not need to get nervous about it, because She’s there.”
My Big event comes and the setting was so terrific with Green balloons and table set-ups all over the place from the entrance to the hall way/aisle.
I JUST HAD A VERY MEMORABLE AND UNFORGETTABLE BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION-Debut, because of the awesomeness of Ate Mary Joy Pama Calimbo.
I appreciate all of your support and effort you did very much, including your time and attention in the midst of your own hectic schedules. Thank you for giving my teenager life a great twist! It happens only once in a life time, and it’s a dream of every girl I know to have a successful Birthday Debut party when turning into a woman.
A first-rate organizer is never in a hurry. She is never late. She always keeps up his sleeve a margin for the unexpected.
- Arnold Bennett
Ate Joy (wearing Green from Left) with her Co- Organizers
Special Thanks to My Cotillion Presentators. I love you Guys! Thank YOU!
To my Brother Demolays & Sister Rainbows: I Love you guys!
To My LAMI Family : Thank you for Being there always! I love you super!
And To My One & Only Family. THANNNK YOUUU! God gave me a very amazing people to take care of me, and I couldn't ask for more. I love you!
You have no idea how it feels like. You have no idea how it feels like when the same person who showed you your passion, that one thing you’ve been looking for for so long, is the same person who would break you.
You have no idea how hard it is to not let go of that passion all together when all it reminds me is those moments you made me realize how much I loved it. How you made me believe in myself because I was actually good at it even if I’m not exactly the best.
You have no idea how difficult it is to fight for it when you were always the one who told me to. You don’t know how frustrating it is to finally realize that passion, yet you can’t talk to the person who made you see it. You don’t know how short-lived the joy is when others appreciate it yet you don’t even see my work. I don’t do it for you, I do it because I love it. But it would have been so much more meaningful to be able to share it to you.
You don’t know how it feels like to see a better version of you disappear. You don’t know how it feels like to be the weakling that I am now. You don’t know how hard it is to put up a strong front all the time.
You don’t know how what it feels like to want to be okay every single day. You don’t know how it is to feel like there’s a limitation to your happiness, because you took that away from me.
You don’t know how it hurts to hide and cry because I can’t afford to let my friends see me cry anymore. Because I saw how hurt they were, how helpless they felt that no amount of comforting they could give would let my sobbing stop.
You don’t know what it feels like to not be able to pick yourself up in the morning because your heart just refuses to go to class.
You don’t know how hard it is to watch a version of myself slip away and there’s nothing I could do to keep her.
You don’t know how difficult it is to let go of the one thing I have fought for so hard in my entire life – you.
You don’t know how hard it is to just watch you leave while you don’t even notice how much it hurts.
You don’t know how hard it is to be mad at you when I can still feel so much.
You don’t know how hard it is to want to make the tears stop, but they just won’t.
You don’t know how hard it is to wake up in the middle of the night, at 2am or 3am or 4am because I’m not at peace.
You don’t know how painful it is to want to escape it all through sleeping but even sleeping eludes me.
You don’t know how hard it is that when I do get sleep, I cry myself to it. And waking up is yet even the hardest part.
You don’t know how hard it is to fake it till I make it.
You don’t know how hard it is to decide how my day would be, when it should just come naturally.
You don’t know how hard it is to want you to feel this way too even just a little because it seems to be the only way for you to understand.
You don’t know how difficult it is to actually seek out for counseling because I can’t do it on my own anymore.
You have no idea how it feels to be built up only to be torn down.
You have no idea how it feels like to question the God I believe in and somehow never get answers.
You don’t know how difficult it is to wonder if I’m permanently damaged or if the pain will ever stop and if it will when it would.
You don’t know how hard it is to be scared to go to places because I might bump into you.
You don’t know how hard it is to give up something I’ve been doing for years because somehow I know it’s the only way for me to forget.
You don’t know how difficult it is to want to forget and remember at the same time.
You don’t know how scary it is to not know what to do in the future because I don’t want to live in a place where you could be in too.
You don’t know how painful it is to know you’re perfectly fine and happy while I’m still running in circles chasing my own freedom.
You don’t know how excruciating it is when I have ran out of actual tears yet my heart continues to cry.
You don’t know how hard it is to want to go away, so far away just to start all over.
You don’t know how painful it is to be faithful only to be cheated on.
You don’t know how painful it is to give your whole heart only to be shoved back incomplete and in pieces.
You don’t know how painful it is to feel like you’re incapable of loving already, of believing.
No you don’t know. You have no idea!
- S
There are many aspects in my life that I should well be able to do already. Questions that I should be able to answer already, plans that I should have laid out already and well, certain emotions that I shouldn’t have anymore.
And so it bothers me.
Every time someone asks me what my plans are after graduation I shudder at the thought that my planned future as of the moment is up until three days after graduation. After that, I have absolutely no idea. I don’t even know if I want to work or study. And if I do figure which one I want, there’s always the next question, what kind of work or what to study. And I can’t answer them. So as much as how exciting graduating from college can be, it’s twice as scary.
Then there’s the proverbial question everyone asks you or complicated happenings in life, or even when the lonely times you had.So you feel obliged to give the so-called correct answer and nod your head yes. After this, everybody thinks you’re fine and dandy. So everyone wonders why you suddenly barge into your usual hangout place and start crying uncontrollably. Or when you have a sudden craving for vanilla ice cream. And some (only some, because most can understand), find it ridiculous and weak of you. And so you ask yourself if you are hopelessly permanently damaged and then shudder at the thought of it.
All that, happened to me, and if I will be truly honest, are happening to me. Then I read Paolo Coelho’s ‘On Rhythm and the Road’. When a pilgrim named Begoña said the following about her own pilgrimage:
“I’ve noticed that most pilgrims, whether on the Road to Santiago or on any of life’s paths, always try to follow the rhythm set by others. At the start of my pilgrimage, I tried to keep up with my group, but I got tired. I was demanding too much of my body. I was tense all the time and ended up straining the tendons in my left foot. I couldn’t walk for two days after that, and realized that I would only reach Santiago if I followed my own rhythm. I took longer than the others to get there, and for long stretches I often had to walk alone; but it was only by respecting my own rhythm that I managed to complete my own journey. Ever since then, I have applied this to everything I do in life: I follow my own rhythm.”
So, it stopped bothering me.
Sometimes we focus so much on what should be and how things should be that we forget what and how things actually are. We don’t see how things really are for us.It’s important to see things as they are for you because the more you force yourself to be somewhere you aren’t, the more you won’t reach it. True, the pace set by others may be the ideal. But most of the time what’s ideal isn’t always the best for you. A speedy recovery doesn’t always mean complete healing. Most of the time it’s only skin deep and when it comes to healing, to making decisions and to moving on, what is real and true is what matters.
It’s true when they say, fake it ‘till you make it. But you should never lose sight of what you’re faking and what you are actually making.
- S
I know we've been busy lately with work and what not. I wanted to send you this letter to let you know that I'm thinking of you and love you very much. I'm very lucky to have such a wonderful Rainbow sisters and demolay brothers. I wanted to say thank you for changing my life. (agui! ang akong pgkaulawan)
Before you came along, I felt empty inside. You filled an empty void in my heart and I can never thank you enough for loving me & for being there with me samot na sa mga laag, unconditionally.
Sisters & bro's, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You make my life complete and you make me feel like I can touch the Rainbow in the sky a million times. You make me laugh and sometimes so hard I cry. YES, i really cried when i read the orange book you've signed.
I feel blessed that God sent you to my doorstep years ago. I can't wait until our work schedules change soon therefore we can spend more time together. YEAH!
Everyday seems like a blessing since I've met you. I feel so lucky and honored to be part with the order.
Hoping to see you soonest!
Goodluck for the coming sportfest. :(
P.S : karun rako nka drama kay na miss najud kau tamu, especially the one who signed the orange book, if you guys still remember that.
RAINBOW LOVE,
C H E S S A <3 ( so, i just copy-paste it. *with the super ED*
-S
