I’m not sure what’s wrong. Everything, in all its glory is fine. But I feel all twisty, and sad, and then happy. And then I feel sad all over again.
I need to clear my head. My thoughts are all muddled up right now.
I have always said that I’m not an angry person. I don’t see the world for the bad in it but for the so many good things that it has to offer. This is why I never got mad at you before. This is why I forgave you for something that so many people wouldn’t even dare try to get over. I forgave you. But you never forgave yourself. And so you were able to do the almost impossible – I am now mad at you. Because the heart can only bear so much pain. And because with a broken heart your walls can only go down but so low.
I didn’t get mad at you when you cheated on me. On us. When you just keep that as your deepest secret and let me walk in the campus without knowing it, walking without my head with me, throwing away something, in your own words, different – good different. I forgave you because you told me that there are gradients of infidelity. Even if I knew that no matter what, infidelity is still infidelity. I forgave you even though I believe that infidelity may be a mutual sin but fidelity is a personal choice. Because we all make bad choices and certain circumstances can make us do stupid things with irreversible damages. I forgave you because you were only human. And as human beings we all have our weaknesses and our own limitations. I forgave you because I had faith in you and knew that you were so much more than what you did. I forgave you because I love you.
I didn’t get mad at you when you kept on pulling the strings between us. When you kept on coming in and out of my life just as you pleased. When every single time you walked away, you left me broken all over again. When all the progress I made just came shattering down the floor. When all the recovery that I’ve worked so hard on for days and weeks all fell apart with just a three minute phone call from you or a text message that took you seconds to type and send. I didn’t get mad at you for keeping me on your hook. I didn’t get mad because I knew that letting you in was my choice too. I didn’t get mad because I knew that somehow even just a little you were as lost as I was. I didn’t get mad because I love you.
I didn’t get mad before because at one point or another things had to happen the way they did. But when that night happened when you confessed that secret had to put my foot down and draw a line. Because I always knew that when it comes to love nothing is ever certain, that everything is a risk and we take it at our own expense. So infidelity, confusion, pain and all that happened between us can be inevitable. But I always knew that when it comes to being human, its either you choose to be one or not. No matter what.
I was so hurt that I got angry at how painful it was. I was so hurt that I got mad at how easy it was for you to say the things that you said. And most especially say it the way you did. I always knew that people are capable of making others feel the way you made me feel but it’s just a matter of whether or not people would. And you did.
I got so hurt that the only other emotion left to feel was anger..
But despite of all the pain and hurts I'm into now, I have nothing to do with it. I love you, and I can do my very best to move on and forget things that may lead us like a broken glass.
And because its true when they say that time heals all wounds no matter how deep and big, I woke up one day with the eyes of a child again.
** You see children easily forgive. They easily forget that their playmate pushed them at the playground. They forgive that playmate who took their teddy away from them. And so children laugh and live a carefree life.
Walk that mile until the end starts.
- S
Sometimes
